W

At the age of 16, Corey Keyes had overcome a difficult childhood and was thriving. He achieved top grades in school, held the position of quarterback on the football team, and resided with his caring grandmother in Wisconsin, USA.

The author of Languishing: How To Feel Alive Again in a World That Wears Us Down, a sociologist and professor emeritus at Emory University, shares in his new book that he used to go through life on autopilot, participating in every activity without really thinking. But whenever he paused, he couldn’t help but feel drained and empty. This restlessness and lack of purpose motivated him to become a sociologist and explore if others also experienced a sense of emptiness, which he later termed “languishing”. He also introduced the concept of “flourishing” as the opposite of this feeling, or having good mental health.

Languishing is not equivalent to depression or feeling depressed, and it is not considered a medical condition. According to Corey, it is a common response to the multitude of experiences in our lives. While sadness and fear are normal emotions, they can escalate into depression and anxiety, respectively, when experienced for prolonged periods of time. In the same vein, when one remains in a state of languishing for too long, it can become just as debilitating and concerning as depression. Corey wants to clarify that he is not trying to pathologize languishing; rather, he is advising that if one ignores the emptiness within themselves and does not take action, it can worsen. He speaks from personal experience.

Many of us may be familiar with the feeling of languishing, no matter how successful we appear on the outside. We could have a stable job, loving family and friends, financial stability, and more, yet we lack the key components of flourishing that are essential for true thriving. According to Corey, languishing is a state of lacking wellbeing. It is the absence of fulfilling experiences that give life meaning and purpose. Each person may experience languishing differently, whether it is a lack of purpose, sense of belonging, contribution, fulfilling relationships, or personal growth.

If you select some of the options listed above, you are closer to flourishing. According to Corey, flourishing is achieved through living a purposeful life. It is possible to achieve this even if you struggle with mental health issues. It involves being a part of a community, having warm and trusting relationships, engaging in spiritual practices, and being curious and playful. The best part is that we can attain these components of well-being on our own, without relying on doctors or public systems. Focusing on this internal path, rather than the external path of striving for success based on others and uncontrollable factors, can help build resilience and prevent feelings of anxiety, fear, and depression. For those, like Corey, who experience depression, it can become less prominent when one lives a flourishing life. This is why Corey refers to flourishing as their “North Star” – the key to their recovery and long-term well-being.

The origin of his depression, and the unsettled feeling of not fitting in or being valued by others, continues to plague him at times. It is rooted in a past that Corey thought he had overcome. Although he is currently in a happy marriage with his college sweetheart Lisa and has a successful career in academia, he divulges details about a childhood that he now realizes was traumatic and led to ongoing PTSD.

He was raised in a small town located in northern Wisconsin. His father was an alcoholic construction worker who often had to travel for work. His mother left Corey and his older sister when he was just a baby. When Corey was four years old, his father got remarried. His stepmother had two daughters and after a few years, the family relocated to Florida as his father searched for seasonal work in the warmer climate. Corey recounts instances of physical abuse from his stepmother towards him and his sister, who was two years older.

Corey shares that his mother never physically abused their children, but they were subjected to physical abuse every day. This included being hit, slapped, kicked, and having their hair pulled. Corey himself was even bitten a few times and had cigarettes put out on him. The violence in their household was constant. Their father was not present and only returned home after 7 PM, often after stopping at the bar. Therefore, there was no protection for them and it seemed pointless to tell their father about the abuse.

He remembers two instances involving his father. In one, he waited on the front porch for his birthday, hoping his father would finally bring him a gift. Unfortunately, this did not happen. In the other, he forgot to wash the dog and his father got angry, resulting in him having to sleep outside.

There was a significant amount of “dissociation” according to psychiatrists. My sister and I hardly ever spoke while we were in the house. It was a means of survival. We would retreat inward and keep to ourselves, aware of what was happening but also mentally distancing ourselves from it. As children, that was the only way we knew how to cope. In a way, it was what protected us. Corey spent a lot of time in detention at school and felt like his life was headed down a negative path.

When Corey was twelve years old, his step-uncle visited and noticed a peculiar behavior among the family. During meal times and around the house, the two stepdaughters and the parents would talk while Corey and his sister remained silent. They only spoke to one another when they were alone. This caught the attention of the step-uncle, who then informed Corey’s grandparents. The grandparents made plans to adopt Corey and his sister. After being “transplanted” to a loving environment, Corey thrived.
Sadly, two years later, Corey’s beloved grandfather passed away. This was a difficult time for Corey as he felt he didn’t have enough time with his grandfather. His grandmother sensed his pain and shared a story with her fourteen-year-old grandson.

According to her, she discovered me in the cradle approximately a week after I was born. My mother had departed and did not return. My two-year-old sister and I were left alone for several days. My father was away working in construction. My grandmother had been trying to reach us through repeated phone calls. After not receiving any response, she visited our home and found me in the crib. We were both soiled and we had not eaten. I was also suffering from pneumonia. She expressed that as an infant of just a week, there was not much medical help available for my condition. She wanted me to know that I was incredibly resilient and that I managed to overcome pneumonia. She wanted me to understand that I am a survivor.

A part of me regrets knowing the story of my mother walking away, as it deeply affects me and still haunts me to this day. However, I have a feeling that not being adopted and experiencing love would have taken away my strong determination. I believe I am valuable and deserving.

He made a conscious decision to “be visible,” which he partly accomplished through his academic research that he viewed as his “ultimate goal.” However, he also constantly reminded himself that “to most people, I was considered insignificant.” Then, during the peak of his professional success, his “ultimate goal” was abruptly shattered when a book was published that, according to him, presented a similar concept of thriving. His response was alarming: it “stripped me of my self-respect, my purpose, and everything positive that I had to offer. The world just took it away.” Corey’s words are a reflection of the depth of his insecurity deeply ingrained in his psyche.

Presently, he acknowledges this event for what it truly was: a breakdown in the middle of his career, one that revealed to him the importance of addressing past issues that could hinder his success. Despite experiencing moments of flourishing, one cannot sustain it unless they confront their triggers from the past.

It is easy to understand that putting all of your effort into your work is similar to making a big gamble with your remaining funds. You may win the bet, or you may not.

On the evening of his mental breakdown, he confided in his wife that he felt unable to continue. He was drained and felt useless to anyone. However, in that moment, he clearly recalls the pause before his wife uttered a powerful declaration: “But I do need you.” The weight of those words still resonates within him today.

Corey’s personal theory of wellbeing is what ultimately rescued him from his past. He believes that love and human connection are key to thriving. If someone you care about values you and you are able to serve them and others, you have given yourself a sense of purpose and fulfillment. In Corey’s own words, “That’s the main message and the source of hope.”

The book “Languishing: How To Feel Alive Again in a World That Wears Us Down” is available for purchase at a price of £20 from the publisher, Torva. Alternatively, you can purchase a copy for £17 at guardianbookshop.com.

Source: theguardian.com